22 March 2009. 8.11am

My heart was step by a big stone. This is the feel that i am currently experience it.

I told myself can't be so weak. I am the one who did wrong and I should be the one who bear the punishment although it is hard for me to accept it.

Tears was dropped when the truth come in front of me. I should be honest that i really can't stand on the pain that comes to me. This is the 2nd time I been through this kind of "hurt". But still thanks for the 1st, cause i been through before, so the it not that pain as the previous.

I choose to go out alone. On the way, i am actually think of find some one to talk to but funny thing is that i don't even have a friend that can borrow me his/her shoulder when i am in trouble. I feel sad of it, tears then dropped again.

He say maybe can back to previous. But i don't think of it.
I'm sad that cause i give up alot of things just cause of a thing, but at the end i gain nothing.
In fact, it's easy to be spoiled. Since the day he broke the chair, it is means that he also broke the heart of us? I wonder...

6.32am

Early in the morning. I sit in front of comp but dunno wat to do.

I wish i could drop down something at here but i found out tat all the things cross to my mind, no matter how hardworking am i, i still cant turn it into word and write down at here. So i just can keep it keep it and keep it... till the time it become words.

I wonder, wat kind of characteristic i am. Is it really as what i show in front of others. Or there is a hidden character in my body? A good question but i need to find out the answer myself.

I have to start to be independent. I need to start to recognize the road, find the way back home.. I cant always depends on others. Cause i no longer a small little kid. Even how hard for me to do the thing, i still have to go through myself. This is the target that i set for myself and hope that i could do it as well..

The one that i loved, maybe sometime i am not good in caring, but i am sincere when i do it.

updated

My convocation was just end on yesterday. Its a memorable day for me and i did took alot of picture with my ex class, room and school mate. It should be a happy but busy day for me.

Today, is his 23th years old birthday. Actually i planed to give him a surprise on today but everything had been spoiled since the day i lie at him. All the surprise was gone and suspicion is what we left after the thing. I am the one who did the wrong and i should bear on this kind of punishment. Even my parents also can felt that something wrong between me and him. I am sorry bout it but i know that sorry doesn't mean that all the thing can be settle. I hate myself from hurting him but nothing i can do to make up the thing the i had been done.

I though I will be the one who celebrate his birthday with him. But i can feel that everything was changed even though both of us not willing to admit it.

My parents ask me, "thian, why ur weight keep on lost? u look thinner and thinner when everytime we come here to visit u". I don't know what to answer. I just said it is cause by the stress from work. They really dote on me alot. They buy me a washing machine and a kettle so that i no need to be so tired to wash my cloth by hand. I know that and i feel so touch of that.

In front of them, i keep eating and eating just wish that they wont worry so much bout me. Even the oily food, even till my stomach cant stand on it, i still easting. I am suffer from that, i actually keep run to toilet at the midnight. But i know that i shouldn't be so weak in front of them, i need to take care myself so that they wont worry bout me.

My life is messy and complicated. I hate to be like this but i cant changed anything. And my sense told me that, i might lost a person who means alot to me soon. I hate to be like this. Really hate it.