New Life

Its about 4 years. I didn't write down any single things about myself over here. Lots of changes in year 2014. Changed few job, gained alot of experience and also knew who is the true friend beside me.

Angry!!!

what am i doing now? i just feel like i am so so fool been doing all of this..
What's the point? what's the purpose?? What am i hoping to get it...
Just wonder.....

I am damn damn angry on u~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

到底怎么了?? 做什么都不对...

我知道我有错..但我都已经道歉了,还想怎样??

王八蛋...
要求多多... 却要牺牲别人的时间...
什么跟什么??

真的好想把信丢了就走..
可以吗??

自由~

如果你发现我有些许的改变..请不要惊讶..
那是因为我累了... 不想再管了~~

放你自由.. 或许是好的...
但是否太过自由了??

16/02/10

Was out for drink with friends yesterday..'
Drink and drunk and drink again, finally awake and drove back myself...

Was lied on bed and think of things that happened around me recently..
I was envy, i was lonely when i was here...

Couldn't remember how many times i wish to give up and start for new life..
couldn't remember how many times i dream of and awake from dream..

How i wish u could beside me and be with me just like others..
What i can do was kept told myself that i will be alright~

How many promise was broke by u..
How many times i was sad and disappointing cause of the promise that u broke.
But i was just kept it in heart and let it be...

All over again

Finally, i get to drop off the things.
What is done is done..

All over again...
I will start my new life with him.??

Hope this relationship can last long and hope it will be forever.??
Can it be?

The day sent him go to airport..
The way back from airport, i just found out how much i miss this man.
Is he my man? and am i his gal??
Yeah.. he is my man...
and how i wish i could tell the whole world, " hey, pls stay away from him, pls dun call him "bao bei". he is mine"

His heart ever hurt by me..
and he was just hurt me deep..
but anyhow, i choose to believe .. i choose to forgive.. and i hope he will appreciate what i done for him.

crapping

Shushi day on tomorrow...
hahah...
have to enjoy myself there and throw all the trouble behind of my mind...

Hmm... have a drink now...
try to improve my drinking level so that i could easily join with them...

OMG...
my heart was starting beating fast as i am going to drunk soon..

who's the one who can really hear what i concern about????????
ehmmmm...
sis?? NO~!
ting?? NO~!
fish?? NO~!


aiya... no friend for me...
and the one who can i speak to was speak currently...
cannot kacau him pula...

Just wonder..
if oneday my mind was overload...
will i just left the world without saying anythinG??
Just wonder.....

Have to enjoy myself now...
JIA YOU LST..
u can do it~~~

NO ONE APPRECIATE.. still got urself..
=)

11.12.09

11.12.09

昨晚,疯了一整个晚上..
累了整个早上.. 想好好的睡一觉, 可是当我躺下时脑袋又瞬间清醒了..

回想我这几个月的生活..
回想我之前的两年~
回想我之前的乖乖牌..

我怎会变成这样??
想起我怎么伤害自己..
想起我怎么开始另一段不确定的感情...
想起这段若有似无的爱情..

简直一团糟.
喝酒..喝醉..
放纵... 不再有矜持...
因为一切都不真实了~

看着昨晚拍的照片...
认不得那是我!!
我不应该是这样的~~

我的放纵台过火了
这真的不是我!!!

好像像电脑一样,有个删除按钮...
把一切删除.. 让我回到像以前一样...

你..
给你的话.. 不知道你会看到吗~
我把心给了你.. 虽然不是很爱很爱.. 但我真的把它给了你
我不知道你有没有珍惜过..
我不知道你是不是也有一点爱我..
对这样不清不楚的感情.. 我很辛苦..
我自己躲起来哭的时候.. 我委屈的时候你知道吗??
对不起..
当话一说出口..又是另一个不同的阶级..

我又开始失眠了...
我开始觉得我是个独立个体...
我开始觉得我是个绝缘体..

这是什么生活??

痊愈~????????????

是不是当我不再难过~不再介意..
意味着
我已经痊愈了??????????

..

你突如其来的关心..会让我乱了方向..
我快抛出去的心,因为你的一句关心, 你的一句想念.. 又回来了..

放弃过得很难再回头..

心情..平静很多.. 是因为累了?看透了?还是放弃了?

我不是笨蛋..
我也不是那么的脆弱..
别再担心我.. 伤害自己只是一时之气..
那时的我只会转牛角尖.. 所以选择了愚蠢的方法..

我该说现在的我长大了吗?
不~~还不~~
只是现在的我把问题都压抑着.. 不敢说出来.
我怕自己后悔.. 我怕自己再说错话..我怕自己又做错事..

但当问题累积到极限时, 我会怎样呢?

我发现我开始在别人面前掩饰自己..
我发现没人会再发现我其实不快乐..
是好事吗?

我很清楚自己为何不能入睡..
失眠原因从何而来.. 自己最清楚..
因为我的脑袋跟本不能休息..

是因为不习惯吗? 是吧~
是因为想念吗? 也许吧~
但.. 这更是因为在意..

这样的心.. 在爱的时候被迫停止..
也许它只是停留在原位不懂..
那我该让它继续往前.. 还是往后, 还是就留在原位呢?
但..那已经没有任何的推动力让它继续往前~~
心态不同了.. 是朋友还是情人, 我也分不清楚了~~

其实,只要一句话.. 一个眼神..
我就会奋不顾身的去爱..
但那似乎是个难题~~

Sad!!

Damn sad day for me..
Its sad.. Its hurt..
but no choice.... still have to bear with it...

I swear.. no more planing.. no more dating...
In my heart... just maintain the friend status...
Its good to me.. good to him...

STOP

Memory stop!

Some words for some one..

"Hey girl, i can feel what u feel now as i also have the strong feeling that they gonna live in their own world soon..
Hmm... this is life, easy come easy go.. things wont always stay at the same position. Ppl will not always in the same situation. Just like u.. u come to my world, u left my world, u come again..

Maybe sometime, some people will always stay in our heart. As we took them as important person in our life, sure we will care more, as we care more, sure we will jealous, as we jealous sure we will unhappy.. but why? What for? I also do not have this answer as i always make myself step in this kind of situation..

Hey, they leave, some others will come.. so dun worry bout it..
just take it easy... enjoy our life..

Friday night.. hanging out together?? "

my heart~

I seems like alot of thing wanna drop down at at here but do not know how to start the story.

I cry in front of my sister. I told her that i am tired and i am useless.
I do not know what to do and what i suppose to do now.
She ask me to cry out what ever want to release, don't keep it in heart.
I cry.. cry till my eyes also bengkak..Cry till my heart also pain. Cry for what? i don't know..

I ask.. do u still remember what u had promise me yday morning?
He said ya.. he does.
Then? But still the answer still let me disappointed.
u rather stay at home play majong with friends.. what am i to u? is it just a person who pass by?
although i didn't request any commitment from u, but still i will mind and care that am i important to u?
What i expect to get from? Nothing.. as my heart was disappoint many times.
Just appreciated whatever i have now, this is the least i can do..
I can feel my heart was tired..
My darling, can you feel it??

姐姐问，怎么你总是追着别人跑..
是吗?我有吗?

DAMN SHIT STUPID IDIOT !%#$@^%$#%^@!

Can i just be like them?? Can i have a normal relationship just like them?
I need care.. i need love?? and i need secure...

I still will cry, i still will sad..
I still will care as i also a human being..

No one i can talk to..
No one will know what i am doing now..
and No ONE can help me to cure all my sadness...

I cry.. for what? I ask myself..
What is done is done..

I just need a person who really care me..
I tot that my heart will rest for this few months..
i tot that i won't mind on it anymore..
i tot it had far away from me..
i tot i can do it..

but all was just lie at myself..

Can i just be like them??
Can i just let it go??
Can i be independent and no need to rely on anyone anymore..

what i want u never give
what i wish u can never do it..
what u wan me to do??

dun pretend that u still care me alot..
and u!! dun pretend tat u care me enough...
this is not i want!! and it just make me suffer...

Dun make me step deeper and kick me out from ur world..
if know that there is no end story, pls do leave me soon...
i cant stand on the hurt anymore..
i cant stand on the pain anymore..

friend who i talk to used now close to u...
who should i believe?? NO one???

You!!
U can just left.. u can do anything without informing..
u can do this and do that.. and can i also did the same thing to u??
will u know how hurt i am.. and u r not beside of me...
just like the song...

"u r not here when i need u.. when i need ur love, and where are u?"
u did not discover i am sad and i am down..
u do not know and will never know how much i need from u...
when i need u.. u r not here.. i just can find others..
i just can cry myself in a small corner..
and i just can bring along my PANDA eyes go to work and bear with lot of question from others..
and i just can lie at them, lie at u and lie at myself that actually tat's nothing happen...

Can just stop my memory??
Can just stop my world from moving forward??
Can just lie down and never wake up till the end of my life??
I am suffer and I am sad...
DO U KNOW THAT???

i care of others feeling but no one know bout my feeling~~
i need to go.. i need to go away from u to avoid step it deeper??
or i will never step it deeper as i still haven't let go the past??

cry for nothing!!
and i am stupid..
PLS!! LST~~ be brave and be independent... u can be alone when they are not beside u~
is it??

090909

两天假期.. 幸福~哈哈~~
时间过得也快~~明天又得回去上班咯~~

身边的人和事..让我感触很多~~
有些人,我还是不明白为什么还是放不开.. 还是像一头栽下去,就算知道这是错的!!
真的错得很离谱~~

其实静下心来..到底有什么好执著的呢?
干嘛一定要把事情搞得如此复杂~~

回头看,那男人值不值得你这样糟蹋自己呢?
在你面前,他或许表现得还很爱你,可是背后他也许只当你是自己送上门的~
不要白不要... 对不对呢?
最后后悔莫及,没人会同情你!!
所以,别傻了~

没有人会珍惜这样的投怀送抱~~

放了..对你对他对他都好~~

懂了??

突然有点懂了..好像抓住了,却又好像空气般溜走了..

我有点感动..当他把钥匙交给我的时候..我没想过他还会记得..所以我感动..
那时的我,好像有点懂了..

可是又搞砸了...
对不起..我不是故意大声对你说话,只是我任性惯了.. 原谅我啦..

诶..我很想你哦..

电话篇~

我的电话是不是坏了？怎么都不吭一声？
傻到一直看着电话,等着电话响起的那刻~可是怎么等，它还是乖乖的躺着不吭一声~

...

怎么会这嘞?
想不透啦...

可不可以让我任性一次??

自私的想把你留着,因为我不知道下一次自私何时会来..

回來了

回來了..
今天以前,我想了好多...
今天以後,我就是我..

from KL to Muar~

这是个长远的路途..原本一小时三十分的车程变成了三小时的旅途..
但这样也好,让我有时间静一静想一想我想要的..
努力让自己成熟,是不是真的成熟了? 还是只是虚有其表呢?
不得不承认我还只是个幼稚的小孩子..不管怎样伪装..到最后还是遮掩不了我那幼稚的行为..

干嘛赌气呢?各人有各人的生活空间,你不需要迁就我,我也不用迁就你..这不是我想要的吗?
还是我太习惯了?习惯了这样的生活..
这不是真正的我吧!!也许只有在某些人面前,我才是真正的我..
我行我素..生气,伤心,开心都会表露在脸上.. 喜欢撒娇..喜欢被人疼..喜欢别人在乎的感觉..这才是我吧!!
很想跟你说,其实我很容易吃醋啦..你称赞或靠近别的女生我还是会在意的啦..我会不爽的咯!!
不理不睬..假装不在乎绝对不是我的作风..
可不可以做回原来的我?

生活难免会有小插曲..

插曲一

A thian 约了D去吃晚餐..D答应了..但却忘了..
A thian 其实很难过..可是却装不在乎..
其实不需要伪装对不对..要嘛就大声说我很不爽..要嘛就试着谅解..
所以我说我真的很傻..

插曲 二

同样的事又发生..D还是不能和A thian一起晚餐..
A thian发火了..超级的不爽,但并没有告诉D,还跑了出去..
可是没地方可去..可怜的D真的很自责..
A thian其实很难过很难过.. A thian哭了整晚..最后睡着了..
其实不需要赌气的跑出去..要嘛就大声跟他说"诶,我很不爽你每次爽约哦!!"
要嘛就敢敢约别人出去..
要嘛就试着谅解..
那么容易的事,怎么当时会那么想不开呢?
哭有屁用啊..真是的..!!#$%#@%$!

总结,A thian其实很傻.. 对有些人和事都太执着..这并不是真正的自己..
可不可以做回原来的自己啊??!

20/08/2009

Recently really damn tired and sleepy. Keep fishing while working. Hmm.. How to solve it leh？

Should i say that i actually quite "hang fuk" cos got alot of people care and sayang of me??
But don't know why just feel like its not that real.. It just like in a dream and there is a risk that i will suddenly wake up from it.

First time there is a guy cook for me, DAMN nice the food. First time i feel that i been dote on by a guy that i like. What's that kind of feel? I really do not know how to describe of it. It seems like real but seems as quite far from me too.

My mood up and down cause of the same things, same matters and same problems.
Can some one else help me to from this?
No matter how, something still have to keep in mind, can't say it out..
May god bless me.. May god give me some space to put all the things in..

I wish i am happy.

I had throw out all the things that no longer belongs to me.
I will be happy and won't think of it anymore.
Maybe someone was right. Why should we have the complex thinking? We should enjoy our current life.

Yeah.. I will learn from it..
Don't think of so far, just appreciate what i had now then i will be happy.

I had throw all the things behind of me.
Pls wish me happy.

aH tHiaN

Finally i get back here.
I know what are they concern with, i just hope that i could find my way at here. wish me good luck..

I do not know how to describe the feel but it is not a good feeling and this is what i can tell.
I hate the annoying sound...
I used to be a curious person but now i have to hide it and pretend i don't care anything.. Haiz..

Is this the real me??
Hmm.. Wonder how long the real ah thian can hide from this..
When she wanna out from here.. Just wonder..　

对不起..

我知道自己很不乖..
我知道最伤心的是我mummy..

我看见mummy红肿的眼睛..
我不知道该说些什么..
我想起mummy突然抱着我哭,问我到底在想些什么时,我真的很痛..
我知道自己的不对..
我知道我知道mummy有多么的疼我..
我真的知道..

我无助的时候..她也一样的无助..
没人能帮我时,也没人能帮她帮我,,
我应该了解的.. 可是我却埋怨她的不谅解..
她疼我..不管多不愿意,她还是会放我走..

看着她的时候,我多不舍得她哭肿了的眼睛..
我真的很对不起..

我知道只要我乖,她会好开心..
但我要的却不只是这样...

好多的心情..我不知道向谁说..
我只能藏在心里..

HELP!!

What's wrong with me??
I start to confuse myself.. I don't even understand what am i doing now..
I hurt others, cos i am in hurt.. Is it i try to protect myself? Nope!! This is just an excuse!!!

Sorry mummy cos of my rude..
I should say those things to you. I should know how hard you are.. But i still choose the wrong way to treat you to hurt you !!

I just hope that someone could just understand what i am thinking now..
I though my sis should be understand, but seems as she not..

I just like an outsider in the house now, wrong in everything that i said and i did.
I shouldn't be here..

I am too selfish..
I just think of myself..

Actually i know what is right and what is wrong...
but i just choose the wrong way to did it.. and i purposely do that...

what's wrong with me??
I change alot.. I dunno how to be happy, i dunno how to smile anymore..

HELP!!

damn!

Why everyday sure will have something appear to spoil my mood?
Why people will always irresponsible with what they ever said be4?

U always say that is for my own good, but do u think that is it really what i want??
It is really suit for me??
It is i will be happy if i stay by urs side??

No..
U all just think of urself..

I NO LONGER the previous me..
I NO LONGER the guai guai lui..
Cos u all force me to change
force me to be bad..

为什么?

是不是不说,事情就不会变得复杂??

我问我姐,为什么老爸总是不听我的想法..为什么总是那么固执,那么古板..
她回答说:'那你有为什么惹出那么多事情来呢??"

真的是这样吗?真的是我在惹事吗??
分手错了吗?

我问:"是他让我不能忍受,我才会想分手..."
她答:"难道你没有错吗?你没有对不起他吗?你错的不比他少!!"

真的是这样吗??
因为这样,所以我受惩罚??

就算有错,该还的我已经还了.. 为什么还要这样的惩罚我??
为什么呢?

我的世界是灰色的

发生了很多事,让我不知道如何是好!

污点永远都在,不管我如何掩饰!!我其实并不是那么的潇洒..我其实并不是那么的坚强..我其实很在意..我其实不能接受这样的自己!!

那一幕永远都还遗留在我脑海里..我忘不了..我不想记得..但我没办法..

或许在别人面前,我好像不放在心里, 但其实我很在意很在意!!!

我在意他的想法

我在意我的不干净!!

我不能接受这样的自己!!

原来,忍着泪..是那么的辛苦….

那是我预料不到的事!!那是我的污点…

白纸上的污点,是怎么也洗不掉的…

虽然我不是白纸..但我的污点还是怎么也抹不掉…

Hmm...

Another day... Just passing by.

I will back to KL tomolo and honestly i am so happy that i can run away from where i am now.
Maybe i am cruel.. but i really cant stand on the pressure that u all give to me.. I have to say sorry.

Seems like lots of things need to deal with..

I just found out that i accidentally put him in my life..
How if my life change again? What should i do and where should i go??
Just wonder..

22 July 2009

Hmm.. another day past. Just staying at home but do nothing.This is not the life i want but i force to do that. I am not happy but i cant do anything as i always cant decide my own life. Last time is him and now is my parents. Can i have a chance to decide my own life, to do whatever i want to do?

The more they pressure on me, the more i want to run away from them. I couldn't stay still at a same place. I need to go out and see the world. This is me..

Used, i too rely on others and now i have to be independent. I am myself, no one can control me unless i let them do that..

When will the day come?

回家咯!

终于..回到了自己的家..这是个愉快的旅行..但总觉得缺少了什么,也许是远方的她..你还好吗?我很想念你哦..虽然不说,但我真的想你, Ms Ys.

我以为我能好好的休息..
我以为家人会给我最大的支持,但我错了..
到头来,我还是的做他们的傀儡..
我不想,也不愿意留下..
我喜欢新鲜..刺激..
能不能让我放纵一次呢?

我好累..
我需要的到底是什么?
想要得到底是什么?

我最不想伤害的..却让我伤的最深..
我到底该怎么做?

...

是不是每首歌的背后,都有着感伤?
听着他的歌,不知为什么..我能感觉到他当时的痛.

付出了的感情..要怎么收回呢?
我让自己冷静..我让自己不去想..
我不是个勇敢的人..我害怕尝试.. 但我总在伪装.

我自私的要他放了我..但我很清楚我还是会关心..
我不爱了..但我不忍心..
我希望他残忍些..我不希望谁对我好.. 我害怕我又辜负了谁.

心碎的声音有多少人听过?又有多少人能承受?
失去..是爱情里最可怕的字眼!

寂寞.离愁

我不懂寂寞..寂寞却懂我的寂寞
我不懂离愁..离愁却懂我的离愁
你或许看不懂我在说什么.我知道
因为你并不在我的世界里
但当你在看我..我知道你再看什么
因为我已经像仙子般..飞翔在你那凡间人的眼中

讲废话!!

好久都没有认认真真的写下我的心情故事..这几个月真的过得不好..或许我还在继续伪装..但骗得了别人,却怎么也骗不了自己.

两年的感情就这样结束是不是很可惜?我不懂得回答, 也不想回答..

如果你问我还会像在一起吗? 我可以很确定的说答案是否定的.. 受过的伤永远都记得..但可悲的是我怎么也学不会..我伤害过, 也被伤过. 我很清楚那种滋味并不好受.. 抱歉那些被我伤害过的人..我不是个好人..!!

也许这个他也和我一样,也在伪装着.. 我猜不透他在想些什么.. 但我清楚我在慢慢的沦陷着.. 这样的我属不属于慢性自杀呢? 答案是无解的..

当我发现时.. 我已经陷下了.. 我在不知不觉中放了感情… 我以为我能潇洒的..以玩玩的心态去面对..但我还是沦陷了..

压抑着的感情并不好受! 但我怎么都学不会.. 学不会放手..学不会让对方自由.. 学不会!

或许你们看不懂我在写些什么? 也对啦..因为我也不懂..

就这样好吗? 我希望他放了我.. 我希望另个他爱上我?!

好多事情的答案… 真的没有对与错.. 再怎么问.. 答案还是无解的..

STUPID BDAY

Damn!! Damn !! DAMN!!

My heart so pain...
Finally... that's the end...
STUPID BDAY!!

I SWEAR.... NO more Bday celebration in my life anymore

arr

what a stupid idiot bday i have.. DAMN!!! NO MOOD.. Cos of some annoying things and person.
I hate bday... I should take leave today.. but mistake.. i didnt do it!!

DAMN UNHAPPY>>> DAMN NO MOOD>>>> DAMN MISS THE FUNNY HIM!

lalala

I dunno what's the story becomes..
I dunno what is right and what is wrong..
Maybe i will make the same mistake again and again..
but i really dunno how to make the thing smooth..

I just can told myself..
hey thian, stop hurting urself and hurting others as well..

HAIZ

Hey.. can let me go?

Why the things keep happened on me? WOnder Why..

I hate of this.. Can just let me go and let me rest?
I just hope to have my own life..

Can u feel my tired?
Can u feel my heart?
Can u feel that i really hurt?
Can u feel that i already not in love with u?

No more love but just suspicious.
No more love and no more confident.

No more love but why still force together?
No more love between us!!

Tired in arguing
Tired in guessing
Tired in pretenting.
Tired in loving.

LIfe?>

Hmm.. today should be my insurance exam date. I should now studying and doing revision but still i sit in front of my comp just want to drop down some of things that cross my mind...

I do not know is it consider end of the "case" after 2 months war with it.
Its really a complicated relationship among us..

Honestly, i really hate the girl. Sorry for the rude but i will still say.. she really not match with him cause she look much more older than him.. Haiz..

I don't know la...
I just know that i now have some one who care me much, love me much, dote on me much, understand me much.. That's should be enuf. The only thing that i should do is that, do not make me worry, sad and stress anymore. ahaha...

Am i going to lost again?

Am i going to lost again?
Why everytime also will have the same thing happen?
Is it i deserve to this kind of punishment?

I hate it..

I need to some space...

I do not know what's going on with my recent life..
I am damn tired to deal with all of this things..

Hey god.. can give me some space to breath??

Pls dun force me to do the cruel thing..
Pls dun force me to be cruel to u...
Pls dun force me to hate u..
Pls ......

Pls give me some space.. i need to breath...

3rd May 2009

Sunday morning.. Have to back to KL today... Now waiting mummy back and say bye bye to them. Haiz.. Have to leave again..

This morning, mummy come to talk to me..
she said "I so worry bout u o.. How u going to settle the things yourself le?"
I just answer her " mee ar. dun worry la.. i will find a way to settle it.. really no need to worry"

Again.. the same comment from her " thian, next time when do things, think of it 1st.. Sometimes, something just can't simply make decision.. Have to think of others too.. Have to responsible for all the things also."

I answer " ok la.. i know." then smile at her and cont my things.

Hmm.. " mee ar.. i know.. i really know all of this la.. Just its easy to say but its hard to do lo.. I hope i can growth.. i dun wan be a kid not only in front of others but also in front of u all.. I do not wan u all worry bout me so much but i know its hard cos i alone at KL and all of u at MUAR.. The distance is 2 and half hours from KL to there.. Its far.. Mee ar.. i really really hope that u all will just beside of me when i am in trouble. i really hope that someone will just support me behind whenever and whatever decision i make.. I hope that there is someone be my listener whenever i need but not just blindly shoot or scold me like "him".. "

"daddy ar.. u sayang me the most.. although sometime i tend to keep some secret to u.. but actually is for ur own good la.. haha... i feel so touch cos u purposely take the mango for me... i really really happy la.. love u la ah pa"

Hmm... have to motivate myself la.. have to be more independent next time.. jia you lo

lalala...

I shouldn't think so much..
I shouldn't burden myself so much..
As what he said, somethings is just depends on urself...

U can choose whether u wan to think of it o not..
Just let go the things..

LST.. PLS..
ur mind really cant fit in so much things..
U r not qualified to carry so much burden.
U will collapse in one day for sure...

2 May 2009

Saturday night.. sitting in front the comp but nothing to do...
So tired.. So boring..

I know i let them down..
I planed with daddy that will go Malacca gai gai on labor day but i didnt do that. Cause i am tired so my daddy just cancel the plan.. He is disappointed..

I talk with my mummy and my sister last night..
Again, they complaint about my bad temper.. Actually i know myself well.. actually i know what am i doing.. just.. sometime i really do not know how to show it out in words.. all i know how to do is just show my bad temper to them.. I know i am bad.. i shouldn't do like that.. but its hard.. its tough.. and its tired..

They are right.. I am still like a kid.. and i never growth..
Why i never think of future.. why my thinking won't be as mature as my sister is.. why??
They really understand me well.. they know that i will just show my temper to the person who really really close to me.. and so unlucky, they are the one who i can show out my bad temper.. sorry for the things that i did..

Daddy and Mummy ar.. actually i love u all so much..
I alone at kl.. and i know both u hope that i can back to Muar and be with u all together as my sister and brother. But Mummy, i really not used with the life in Muar.. I really sorry for that..

Sometime i saw my brother and sister so close to my parents..i really feel so lonely..
Alot of things i miss.. alot of things changed when the time i not around.. Even i will call back everyday, but its impossible that they will tell me every single things that happen around them and same as me..

I feel so so so tired..
I wish speak out all the truth..
I am tired with my life that full of pretending..

Auntie ar.. I am sorry for the things that i did.. but somethings really hard to get back to used.
Uncle ar... Really thanks for the caring and also sayang o..

Darl?? I still calling you darl lo.. its hard to change.. but in some day, i still have to change it.
I am sorry
I am tired.. i really tired..

Hey.. is it Heaven still have space that can fit me in??
Or else hell also not a bad idea..

Me again la..

Wake up from dream.. Its a nightmare... But i forgot what i dream of.. Just not a good dream to me.

HOPE that everything be fine..
Me, him..
HOPE i wont hurt and get hurt again..
Me, him..

Maybe he is right..
I still a small little kid. I still need others to take k of..
I need manja.. I will "lao gai".. I will never grow if i still under the protection..

HESITATION.
This is the only thing cross my mind.

26 April 2009

Uh huh.. almost 1 month didn't update my blog cause of the lazy gem in my body. Haha..

Lots of things happened around me. Sometime make me don't know how to settle it. It is this so call "my life"? Maybe and maybe not.

Finally there was a chance for me to make decision by myself. I though i can do it well but seems like still can't manage to make the things go as smooth as it can. I do not know whether will i regret for my decision but just i do not wish that cause of my hesitation i regret in rest of my life.

Am i ok?
I seems ok.. i think.

When somethings gone far away, it hard to chase back. Maybe u able to get it back but not necessary that after u get back, u will appreciate.

Where's all the memories gone?
Still deep in my heart? No.. its gone, really gone.

22 March 2009. 8.11am

My heart was step by a big stone. This is the feel that i am currently experience it.

I told myself can't be so weak. I am the one who did wrong and I should be the one who bear the punishment although it is hard for me to accept it.

Tears was dropped when the truth come in front of me. I should be honest that i really can't stand on the pain that comes to me. This is the 2nd time I been through this kind of "hurt". But still thanks for the 1st, cause i been through before, so the it not that pain as the previous.

I choose to go out alone. On the way, i am actually think of find some one to talk to but funny thing is that i don't even have a friend that can borrow me his/her shoulder when i am in trouble. I feel sad of it, tears then dropped again.

He say maybe can back to previous. But i don't think of it.
I'm sad that cause i give up alot of things just cause of a thing, but at the end i gain nothing.
In fact, it's easy to be spoiled. Since the day he broke the chair, it is means that he also broke the heart of us? I wonder...

6.32am

Early in the morning. I sit in front of comp but dunno wat to do.

I wish i could drop down something at here but i found out tat all the things cross to my mind, no matter how hardworking am i, i still cant turn it into word and write down at here. So i just can keep it keep it and keep it... till the time it become words.

I wonder, wat kind of characteristic i am. Is it really as what i show in front of others. Or there is a hidden character in my body? A good question but i need to find out the answer myself.

I have to start to be independent. I need to start to recognize the road, find the way back home.. I cant always depends on others. Cause i no longer a small little kid. Even how hard for me to do the thing, i still have to go through myself. This is the target that i set for myself and hope that i could do it as well..

The one that i loved, maybe sometime i am not good in caring, but i am sincere when i do it.